English, Angrezi, Anglais - To each his own!

English of the Past

2007-06-09T01:10:00.000-07:00

Often, I am lost when I find youngsters (including my own children) using short-forms of English words... luv for love is simple enough and things like tc can slowly be assumed as take care, but the world of shortened words, (or is it contaminated English?) indeed goes much beyond that!

Consider how odd if people of, say, a few generations past visited the planet and heard us speak the current's day's English.

For such is the English that they used to know or speak those days:

Here is a textual comparison of John 3:16 as they appear inmany of these famous printings of the English Bible:

1st Ed. King James (1611): "For God so loued the world, that he gaue his only begotten Sonne: that whosoeuer beleeueth in him, should not perish, but haue euerlasting life."

Rheims (1582): "For so God loued the vvorld, that he gaue his only-begotten sonne: that euery one that beleeueth in him, perish not, but may haue life euerlasting"

Geneva (1557): "For God so loueth the world, that he hath geuen his only begotten Sonne: that none that beleue in him, should peryshe, but haue euerlasting lyfe."

Great Bible (1539): "For God so loued the worlde, that he gaue his only begotten sonne, that whosoeuer beleueth in him, shulde not perisshe, but haue euerlasting lyfe."

Tyndale (1534): "For God so loveth the worlde, that he hath geven his only sonne, that none that beleve in him, shuld perisshe: but shuld have everlastinge lyfe."

Wycliff (1380): "for god loued so the world; that he gaf his oon bigetun sone, that eche man that bileueth in him perisch not: but haue euerlastynge liif,"

Manuscripts earlier than Wycliff have also been found, but the language described as the "Anglo-Saxon" roots of English is hardly recognizable as similar to the English spoken today.

For example, the Anglo-Saxon pre-English root language of the year 995 AD yields a manuscript that quotes John 3:16 as:

"God lufode middan-eard swa, dat he seade his an-cennedan sunu, dat nan ne forweorde de on hine gely ac habbe dat ece lif."
--
If you enjoy tongue-twisters, I hope you get around to pronouncing each of the above sentences as they were meant to be!!!

Have a great day,
Joe

Does Your Child Enjoy Going To School?

2007-04-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

One morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

---

C'mon, you are allowed to laugh out loud....

Why God made Moms

2007-04-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

This is a demonstration of "Creativity Unlimited".

Enjoy some BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the>bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Ha, ha, ha...

Be Equipped, but...

2007-03-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the otherday and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

[Quote]
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerousactivity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them properrifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
[Unquote]

You gotta love the Marines!

Quotable Quotes...

2007-01-29T03:19:00.000-08:00

Anger is a condition in which
The tongue works faster than the mind.

You can't change the past,
but you can ruin the present
By worrying over the future

Love...and you shall be loved.

God always gives His best to those
who leave the choice with Him.

All people smile in the same language.

Everyone needs to be loved...
especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth
is what he has invested in eternity.

Laughter is God's sunshine.

Everyone has beauty
but not everyone sees it.

It's important for parents to live
the same things they teach.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday
and the worries of tomorrow,
you have no today to be thankful for. (WOW!!!)

The choice you make today
will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh, for it is
the music of the soul.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor
when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working
through conflicts together.

Harsh words break no bones
but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty,
one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things
that we should be giving thanks for.

Love is the only thing that can be
divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others
but does not depend upon others.

For every minute you are angry with someone,
you lose 60 seconds of happiness
that you can never get back.

Do what you can, for who you can,
with what you have, and where you are.

Children Learn What They Live

2007-01-28T04:52:00.000-08:00

"Children Learn What They Live" - an unassuming poem that is at once simple and profound, is today something of a child-rearing anthem, posted on refrigerators around the world.

Perhaps no one was more surprised by its success than its own author, Dorothy Law Nolte. Nolte was on deadline in 1954 for a newspaper column in California; she wrote the poem in her kitchen, sent it off, and thought no more about it.

Its simple message went on to be passed around, eventually translated into more than 35 languages and even becoming a best-seller in Japan, where the Crown Prince revealed that he hoped to raise his daughter by it.

Nolte passed away a couple of years ago, but her poem still continues to inspire.

--

Children Learn What They Live - By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

---

Here's wishing all children glorious times ahead,
Joe

The A, B, C of Happiness

2007-01-28T04:38:00.000-08:00

I must acknowledge and appreciate the creativity of the author of the following passages.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did - and do...
---

A - Accept

Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.

B - Break Away

Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C - Create

Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.

D - Decide

Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

E - Explore

Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F - Forgive

Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G - Grow

Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H - Hope

Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

I - Ignore

Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

J - Journey

Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K - Know

Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L - Love

Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.

M - Manage

Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.

N - Notice

Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O - Open

Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P - Play

Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q - Question

Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R - Relax

Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.

S - Share

Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.

T - Try

Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U - Use

Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V - Value

Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W - Work

Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.

X - X-Ray

Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.

Y - Yield

Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.

Z - Zoom

Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head.

---
Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel like there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living person you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, and too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

---
Have a nice day,
Joe

1930s to 1970s

2007-01-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

This article reminisces on the lifestyle that we - the kids who 'survived' the 'difficult' days of 1930s to 1970s.....

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummie's in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, but there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before technology and the 'modern' ways took over.

And while you are at it, share this with your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

----

Have a nice day.

If possible, step out into the sunshine and smell the wild flowers...

True Gift for Someone you love

2007-01-14T00:23:00.000-08:00

The Greatest Gift you can give someone

is your time.

Because when you are giving someone your time,

you are giving them a portion of your life

that you will never get back.

Fabulous Sayings

2006-12-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

There is no dearth of adages and sayings, of course. Here are a few that never fail to impress me...

--

Anger is a condition in which
The tongue works faster than the mind .

You can't change the past,
but you can ruin the present
By worrying over the future

Love...and you shall be loved.

God always gives His best to those
who leave the choice with Him.

All people smile in the same language.

Everyone needs to be loved...
especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth
is what he has invested in eternity.

Laughter is God's sunshine.

Everyone has beauty
but not everyone sees it.

It's important for parents to live
the same things they teach.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday
and the worries of tomorrow,
you have no today to be thankful for.

The choice you make today
will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh, for it is
the music of the soul.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor
when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working
through conflicts together.

Harsh words break no bones
but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty,
one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things
that we should be giving thanks for.

Love is the only thing that can be
divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others
but does not depend upon others.

For every minute you are angry with someone,
you lose 60 seconds of happiness
that you can never get back.

Do what you can, for who you can,
with what you have, and where you are.

---

Hope you enjoyed - and hope you agree.

A Vision of Justice and Peace

2006-11-30T03:05:00.000-08:00

I received the following thoughts, and found them worthy to be shared..

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It helps now and then to stop back and take the long view.

The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,

It is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.

Nothing we do is complete,

Which is another way of saying

That the Kingdom lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.

No prayer fully expresses our faith.

No confession brings perfection.

No pastoral visit brings wholeness.

No programme accomplishes the Church’s mission.

NO set of goals and objectives includes everything.

That is what we are about .

We plant the seeds that one day will grow

We water seeds already planted,

Knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development,

We provide yeast that produces efforts far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything,

And there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.

This enables us to do something and to do it very well.

It maybe incomplete, but is a beginning,

A step along the way,

An opportunity for the Lord’s Grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results,

But that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are the workers, not master builder, ministers, not messiahs.

We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen.

By: Archbishop Oscar Romero

Romance in the air

2006-11-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

A husband came home from Church, greeted his wife, lifted her up and carried her around the house.

The wife was very surprised and asked:

"Dis the Pastor preach about being romantic?"

"No", came the reply; "but he said that we must carry our burdens and sorrows!"

---

Oh, la, la.... Is this really true for most people or has it become a fashion to speak 'funny' about the 'better half'?

Intersting Quotes on 'Change'

2006-11-19T03:52:00.000-08:00

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
Carol Burnett

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.
Christina Baldwin

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
Harrison Ford

Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

The more things change, the more they remain... insane.
Michael Fry and T. Lewis

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
Nelson Mandela

Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Norman Vincent Peale

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.
Ramsay Clark

One Up for the Ladies...

2006-11-02T04:24:00.000-08:00

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes, female jokes and unisex jokes. Here is a a true female joke.

I offer it in the hope that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men do.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

SCROLL DOWN ---------

"Clean my house."

Modern Wonders of India_1

2006-10-29T04:34:00.000-08:00

Many is the time that my children, having lived most of their lives in UAE, have expressed negative opinions about the pathetic road conditions, lack of hygiene, poorly maintained buildings etc. in India.

I hope these images will serve to enhance the views of many such young minds, worldover, about India.

Modern Wonders of India_1

2006-10-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

Whenever we talk of India, my children - who have spent most of their lives in UAE, raise images of bad roads, poorly maintained buildings, lack of hygiene etc.

Perhaps the attached images will enhance the image of India in young minds, worldover...

25 Beautiful One-liners

2006-10-26T04:04:00.000-07:00

1. Give God what's right..... not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to hopeless end ......God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions...... just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message......His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12 When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead......It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily ...... walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride...... he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men..... You catch them & He'll clean them.
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Calling 911

2006-10-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A Southern Vasectomy

2006-10-10T03:21:00.000-07:00

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they had no room in the trailer for a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor/veterinarian told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor/veterinarian, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor/veterinarian, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Success!

Some people just can't...

2006-10-03T04:49:00.000-07:00

This is supposedly an actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
---

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

.."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

.."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

.."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them there are just some people that shouldn't own a computer!"

Success Curve

2006-10-03T04:44:00.000-07:00

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is... having friends.

At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is... having sex.

At age 35, success is... having money.

At age 50, success is... having money.

At age 60, success is... having sex.

At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is... having friends.

At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Office Upgrade

2006-09-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

How to demonstrate your love

2006-09-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

More Cool Stuff

2006-09-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

---

Enjoyed? Write a comment, please.

Best ass in town

2006-09-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life ... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Speech by Elizabeth Cady Stanton - 1868; The Destructive Male!

2006-09-25T04:26:00.000-07:00

Women's rights pioneer Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815-1902) gave this powerful speech in 1868 at the Women's Suffrage Convention in Washington, D.C. Twenty years earlier, at Seneca Falls, New York, she had helped to launch the women's rights movement in America. Stanton worked tirelessly for more than half a century to obtain voting rights for American women and also questioned the social and political norms of her day which excluded women.
--
I urge a sixteenth amendment, because 'manhood suffrage,' or a man's government, is civil, religious, and social disorganization. The male element is a destructive force, stern, selfish, aggrandizing, loving war, violence, conquest, acquisition, breeding in the material and moral world alike discord, disorder, disease, and death. See what a record of blood and cruelty the pages of history reveal! Through what slavery, slaughter, and sacrifice, through what inquisitions and imprisonments, pains and persecutions, black codes and gloomy creeds, the soul of humanity has struggled for the centuries, while mercy has veiled her face and all hearts have been dead alike to love and hope!

The male element has held high carnival thus far; it has fairly run riot from the beginning, overpowering the feminine element everywhere, crushing out all the diviner qualities in human nature, until we know but little of true manhood and womanhood, of the latter comparatively nothing, for it has scarce been recognized as a power until within the last century. Society is but the reflection of man himself, untempered by woman's thought; the hard iron rule we feel alike in the church, the state, and the home. No one need wonder at the disorganization, at the fragmentary condition of everything, when we remember that man, who represents but half a complete being, with but half an idea on every subject, has undertaken the absolute control of all sublunary matters.

People object to the demands of those whom they choose to call the strong-minded, because they say 'the right of suffrage will make the women masculine.' That is just the difficulty in which we are involved today. Though disfranchised, we have few women in the best sense; we have simply so many reflections, varieties, and dilutions of the masculine gender. The strong, natural characteristics of womanhood are repressed and ignored in dependence, for so long as man feeds woman she will try to please the giver and adapt herself to his condition. To keep a foothold in society, woman must be as near like man as possible, reflect his ideas, opinions, virtues, motives, prejudices, and vices. She must respect his statutes, though they strip her of every inalienable right, and conflict with that higher law written by the finger of God on her own soul.

She must look at everything from its dollar-and-cent point of view, or she is a mere romancer. She must accept things as they are and make the best of them. To mourn over the miseries of others, the poverty of the poor, their hardships in jails, prisons, asylums, the horrors of war, cruelty, and brutality in every form, all this would be mere sentimentalizing. To protest against the intrigue, bribery, and corruption of public life, to desire that her sons might follow some business that did not involve lying, cheating, and a hard, grinding selfishness, would be arrant nonsense.

In this way man has been molding woman to his ideas by direct and positive influences, while she, if not a negation, has used indirect means to control him, and in most cases developed the very characteristics both in him and herself that needed repression. And now man himself stands appalled at the results of his own excesses, and mourns in bitterness that falsehood, selfishness, and violence are the law of life. The need of this hour is not territory, gold mines, railroads, or specie payments but a new evangel of womanhood, to exalt purity, virtue, morality, true religion, to lift man up into the higher realms of thought and action.

We ask woman's enfranchisement, as the first step toward the recognition of that essential element in government that can only secure the health, strength, and prosperity of the nation. Whatever is done to lift woman to her true position will help to usher in a new day of peace and perfection for the race.

In speaking of the masculine element, I do not wish to be understood to say that all men are hard, selfish, and brutal, for many of the most beautiful spirits the world has known have been clothed with manhood; but I refer to those characteristics, though often marked in woman, that distinguish what is called the stronger sex. For example, the love of acquisition and conquest, the very pioneers of civilization, when expended on the earth, the sea, the elements, the riches and forces of nature, are powers of destruction when used to subjugate one man to another or to sacrifice nations to ambition.

Here that great conservator of woman's love, if permitted to assert itself, as it naturally would in freedom against oppression, violence, and war, would hold all these destructive forces in check, for woman knows the cost of life better than man does, and not with her consent would one drop of blood ever be shed, one life sacrificed in vain.

With violence and disturbance in the natural world, we see a constant effort to maintain an equilibrium of forces. Nature, like a loving mother, is ever trying to keep land and sea, mountain and valley, each in its place, to hush the angry winds and waves, balance the extremes of heat and cold, of rain and drought, that peace, harmony, and beauty may reign supreme. There is a striking analogy between matter and mind, and the present disorganization of society warns us that in the dethronement of woman we have let loose the elements of violence and ruin that she only has the power to curb. If the civilization of the age calls for an extension of the suffrage, surely a government of the most virtuous educated men and women would better represent the whole and protect the interests of all than could the representation of either sex alone.

Present = GIFT

2006-09-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue:
"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations"

"Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled"

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy"

"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."

Hard to fool the flies...

2006-09-22T01:21:00.000-07:00

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Quotations on Success

2006-09-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing. - Abraham Lincoln

If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value. - Albert Einstein

A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up. - Albert Schweitzer

A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind. - Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

To follow, without halt, one aim: There's the secret of success. - Anna Pavlova

If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all. - Anna Quindlen

It is possible to fail in many ways...while to succeed is possible only in one way. - Aristotle

Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings. - Arthur Rubinstein

Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertolt Brecht

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

The person who makes a success of living is the one who see his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication. - Cecil B. DeMille

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. - Christopher Lasch

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. - Christopher Morley

The man of virtue makes the difficulty to be overcome his first business, and success only a subsequent consideration. - Confucius

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love. - David McCullough

Success in business requires training and discipline and hard work. But if you're not frightened by these things, the opportunities are just as great today as they ever were. - David Rockefeller

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. - Dr. David M. Burns

We succeed only as we identify in life, or in war, or in anything else, a single overriding objective, and make all other considerations bend to that one objective. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed. -Emily Dickinson

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. - Fran Lebowitz

Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his. - Franklin P. Jones

I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. - G. K. Chesterton

Nothing fails like success. - Gerald Nachman

To freely bloom - that is my definition of success. - Gerry Spence

My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that ‘achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others, and that's nice, too, but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.' - Helen Hayes

Men are born to succeed, not fail. - Henry David Thoreau

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. - Henry David Thoreau

Feeling Whole and Complete

2006-09-18T02:55:00.000-07:00

Just received this by mail from a friend. The article is written by Sri Ravishankar, founder of Art of Living. I reckon it is good stuff to share with others.

---

Every moment that you spend here on this planet, know that you are for a unique, big purpose, far greater than just to eat, sleep and talk. You are here for a greater cause. Just remember that.

Take a challenge - "Come what may, I am going to smile today and be happy!"

For our growth, and to strengthen our lives, we need to follow some rules. These rules are called "yama" (social ethics) and "niyama"(personal ethics). They are the first two steps (or limbs) of yoga of inner union.

Yama

There are five rules to living peacefully in society and the environment:

The first rule is "ahimsa" or non-violence. Non-violence unites you with the whole of creation. Just as you don't harm yourself, you don't harm the rest of creation. Everything is part of you, so how can you harm anything? Ahimsa is the practice of yoga, of not harming, and realising that everything is here.

The second rule is "satyam" or truthfulness. You don't lie to yourself, do you? You can't lie to yourself. If you are weaving beads, you don't say, "I am not weaving beads." You are, and you know it. When you have chocolate in your hand, you don't say, "I don't have chocolate in my hand." You do have chocolate in your hand!

The third is "astheya", meaning, not missing what you don't have at this moment, nor wishing things were different from what they are at the moment - not regretting. Astheya is not: "I wish I had a voice like that person! I wish I could sing like that person. I wish I were young like that person. I wish I could run like that person. I wish I could be as intelligent as that person." It is not comparing yourself with others, and wishing for what they have and you don't have.

Fourth is "brahmacharya", meaning, not interested in the shapes and forms of the body. The mind, here, sees beyond the physical, to the infinite. Brahmacharya is keeping the mind on bigger things. "Brahma" means big; moving in bigger things. "I am small", "I am a man", "I am a woman", "I am a good person", "I am a bad person", "I am hopeless" - all these are small identifications.

Fifth is "aparigraha", meaning, not taking what people give you. You know, it is surprising that you often take the insults people give you, much more than their compliments! Right? Sometimes, they are not even "giving" you these insults - they are simply taking the insults "out of their pockets", but you grab them, and keep them very safe with you! If someone is giving you garbage, they may not even really be giving you the garbage - they may simply be throwing it out, but you collect the garbage and hold on to it very safely! This is what most people do. They are ready to bounce up, take negativity and keep it to themselves.

Don't take anything from anybody, including insults! Of course, compliments don't really bother us! They just go to our heads! What really bother us are the insults, the hurt, and all the negative words that we take from people. Don't take them! Do you understand? This is aparigraha.

Niyama

There are five rules for one's inner development:

The first is "shaucha", everyday cleanliness. It includes showering and keeping yourself clean, wearing clean clothes, and seeing that you don't have bad breath. If someone stinks, they don't notice it, but those sitting next to them do!

The second is "santosha" or contentment. happiness. Be happy! If you don't take a step towards being happy, nothing in this world can make you happy, and you go on complaining about this and that.

Once, a farmer was complaining that the apples on his trees were not too good. Then, one year, he had very good apples! He had apples in plenty - three times more than the usual crop! Then he started complaining about having too much work to do, about having to pick all those apples, about how many were rotting, and about how the prices had gone down!

There's no end to complaining - but life goes on anyway! It flows like a river. How do you want to live the rest of your life - the remaining 30, 40, or 50 years?

Smiling. or grumbling, feeling horrible about yourself, and blaming the whole world? So, the second rule is to be happy and content.

Third is "tapas" - forbearance or penance - meaning, something is uncomfortable, but you still put up with it happily. It's like people who go on marathon walks for 20 miles or 20 kilometres. If we had to simply walk 20 kilometres, we would grumble, but when it's a marathon, then one says, "Oh! I am going to walk!"

Whether you walk in a marathon, or you walk because your car broke down, your legs go through the same pain! But when you think you're in a marathon, you come back the same, sweating and tired, but with a smile: "Oh! I did it!" This is tapas - willingly taking it. Suppose you have to travel in a plane for a long time - say eight or ten hours - what do you do? If you were asked to sit for ten hours, you would never do it, but in a plane, there is no way out! You have to sit. with a seatbelt on! You can watch TV to keep your mind occupied, but you still have to sit! So, willingly accepting opposites is tapas. This makes your body and mind strong.

Whatever you can change, change. What you cannot change, accept. If it is too cold, put on a sweater. It's as simple as that! When it is raining very heavily, and you get wet, inspite of an umbrella - get wet!

Fourth is self-study - "swadhyaya". Observe your mind, see what your mind says, how you behave, how you act, how you feel. Do you feel good? Do you feel bad? If you are feeling bad, just observe, you start feeling good again. When you are feeling good, observe. All feelings - good or bad – will change. Swadhyaya is self-study, self-observation.

Fifth is "ishwara pranidhaana", meaning, love for the Divine. Surrender to the Divine. When you feel you are helpless, you say, "Oh, God! You take whatever it is that I am feeling!"

These are the ten rules that will make you strong, and feel whole and complete.

Kids - They Know Everything!

2006-09-18T02:32:00.000-07:00

A minister asked a six-year-old boy what his favorite bible story was.

"I guess the one about Noah and the Ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied the boy.

"That was a good story" said the minister, "and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?

The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so . . . they only had two worms."

12 Step Program for E-Mail Forwarders

2006-09-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...

I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!

The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in God. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

---

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Quotations by George Bernard Shaw

2006-09-16T04:46:00.000-07:00

A day's work is a day's work, neither more nor liess, and the man who does it needs a day's sustenance, a night's repose and due leisure, whether he be painter or ploughman.

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

A Gentleman?

2006-09-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Living Encyclopedia

2006-09-14T05:31:00.000-07:00

Bloody Jocks-You can't take them anywhere!

2006-09-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

Long Live Bachelors!

2006-09-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

Thankfully, the following notes do not relate to me!!!

---

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -- Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -- Sam Kinison

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -- H. L. Mencken

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind; but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

Some Nice Quotes from the Bible

2006-09-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

What's great about these quotes is that one can easily relate to them even in today's world!

---

There is no new thing under the sun.
Bible, Ecclesiastes i. 9.

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.
Bible, Ecclesiastes ix. 10.

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.
Bible, Ecclesiastes ix. 11.

For a living dog is better than a dead lion,
Bible, Ecclesiastes ix. 4.

The sleep of a laboring man is sweet.
Bible, Ecclesiastes v. 12.

Be not righteous overmuch
Bible, Ecclesiastes vii. 16.

Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed.
Bible, Genesis ix. 6.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
Bible, Hebrews xiii. 2.

The price of wisdom is above-rubies.
Bible, Job xxviii. 18.

Judge not according to the appearance.
Bible, John vii. 24.

Physician, heal thyself.
Bible, Luke iv. 23.

The tree is known by his fruit.
Bible, Matthew xii. 33.

A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country, and in his own house.
Bible, Matthew xiii. 57.

And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.
Bible, Matthew xv. 14.

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Bible, Proverbs 23:7

Righteousness exalteth a nation.
Bible, Proverbs xiv. 34.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
Bible, Romans xii. 21.

Potential vs. Realistic

2006-09-10T03:48:00.000-07:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts."

Quotations by Confucius

2006-09-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

Respect yourself and others will respect you.

Study the past if you would define the future.

To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage.

Quotations by Mahatma Gandhi

2006-09-09T03:23:00.000-07:00

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Language Permutations - WOW! Must Read!

2006-08-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

The following were among the winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail

IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old.

MAZEL TON: Tons of luck

APRES MOE LE DELUGE: Larry and Curly got wet.

ICH LIEBE RICH: I'm really crazy about having dough.

FUI GENERIS: What's mine is mine.

CA VA SANS DIRT: And that's not gossip.

Great Branding & Product Name - Jussipussi

2006-08-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

Great Branding & Product Name - Cock Soup

2006-08-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

Is this the most powerful word in English?

2006-08-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the most commonly used words in the English language today is "F==K".

It is one word that, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love.

"F==K" falls into many grammatical categories.It can be used as a verb - both transitive (He f==ked her) and intransitive(He then f==ked off home). It can be used as an active verb (He f==ks her regularly) or as a passive verb (She is regularly f==ked by him). It makes a wonderful adjective (She is f==king beautiful) and can even be a noun (He is a fine f==k). So you see, there are not many words with the versatility of "F==K". Besides its sexual connotations, this word gets used to describe many situations :

Aggression : Fuck you.
Apathy : Who gives a fuck anyway?
Denial : I didn't fucking do it.
Derision : He fucks everything up
Despair : Fucked again.
Difficulty : I don't understand this fucking job.
Disbelief : How the fuck did you do that?
Dismay : Oh, fuck it.
Displeasure : What the fuck is going on?
Fraud : I got fucked by my insurance agent.
Goodbye : Fuck off.
Greeting : How the fuck are you?
Incompetence : He's all fucked up.
Lost : Where the fuck are we?
Mistake : That's fucked it.
Panic : Let's get the fuck out of here.
Perplexity : I know fuck all about it.
Philosophical : Who gives a fuck?
Rebellion : Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
Resignation : Oh, fuck it.
Retaliation : Up your fucking ass.
Surprise : Fuck me.
Suspicion : Who the fuck are you?
Trouble : I guess I'm fucked now.
It can be...useful in describing anatomy : He's a fucking asshole.
Used to tell the time : It's five fucking thirty.
Used in business : How did I get this fucking job.
A predication : Oh, will I get fucked.
Maternal : You great motherfucker.
Nautical : Fuck the admiral.
Political : Fuck Kinnock/Thatcher.
Used to open a relationship : Let's fuck.

Wow! Talk of Creativity in choosing Business Names!

2006-08-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

Here are some interesting signboards that I am sure required a lot of 'whatever' those guys have. (All true and personally seen by me).

New Star Gents Saloon (For Men)

Butt Sweet House

Swiss Boring

Gulf Erection Co.

Lucky Chance Flowers

Compromise Saloon

Insaaf Butchery (Insaaf means Justice in Urdu)

Fresh Sweat Juice

Human Vegetables (my favourite)

Neuro-Spinal Hospital 24-hour walk-in centre

:-)

Hope you enjoyed. Do contribute some more!

What's the big deal?

2006-08-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big car pulled up.

"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them. The two workers just stared.

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at him.

"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.

"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.

Finally, the man drives off in disgust.

One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."

"What for?" said the other. "That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"

Shut Up

2006-08-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

"The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless." (ITI Bulletin - 1990)

Trust your cabbie to know where you are headed

2006-08-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free. He decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty.

Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?"

"Sure," said the cab driver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"

Pronounce it right

2006-08-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

On a visit to London, a French dignitary was honoured at a banquet. Seated beside his wife was an official who spoke no French, but who tried to engage her in conversation by asking, "Madame, what do you think is the most important thing in life?"

"A penis", she replied.

Overhearing this, her husband gently said "I believe, my dear, that in English it is pronounced 'appiness."

Caption Contest - No Prizes, though :-)

2006-08-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

What do your reckon?

Speech by President George W. Bush, announcing war against Iraq in 2003

2006-08-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow citizens, at this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to disarm Iraq, to free its people and to defend the world from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Saddam Hussein's ability to wage war. These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign. More than 35 countries are giving crucial support -- from the use of naval and air bases, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of combat units. Every nation in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.

To all the men and women of the United States Armed Forces now in the Middle East, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you. That trust is well placed.

The enemies you confront will come to know your skill and bravery. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirit of the American military. In this conflict, America faces an enemy who has no regard for conventions of war or rules of morality. Saddam Hussein has placed Iraqi troops and equipment in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and children as shields for his own military -- a final atrocity against his people.

I want Americans and all the world to know that coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent civilians from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as California could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And helping Iraqis achieve a united, stable and free country will require our sustained commitment.

We come to Iraq with respect for its citizens, for their great civilization and for the religious faiths they practice. We have no ambition in Iraq, except to remove a threat and restore control of that country to its own people.

I know that the families of our military are praying that all those who serve will return safely and soon. Millions of Americans are praying with you for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the innocent. For your sacrifice, you have the gratitude and respect of the American people. And you can know that our forces will be coming home as soon as their work is done.

Our nation enters this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the United States and our friends and allies will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder. We will meet that threat now, with our Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard and Marines, so that we do not have to meet it later with armies of fire fighters and police and doctors on the streets of our cities.

Now that conflict has come, the only way to limit its duration is to apply decisive force. And I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no outcome but victory.

My fellow citizens, the dangers to our country and the world will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace. We will defend our freedom. We will bring freedom to others and we will prevail.

May God bless our country and all who defend her.

March 19, 2003

Speech by President George Bush, announcing war against Iraq in 1991

2006-08-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

On August 2, 1990, Iraqi tanks and soldiers crossed the border into neighboring Kuwait and seized the tiny, oil rich nation. Iraqi troops then began to mass along the border of Saudi Arabia, another oil rich nation.

Within days, American troops were sent to Saudi Arabia to perform Operation Desert Shield, protecting Saudi oil fields from possible attack. On August 6, the United Nations Security Council imposed a trade embargo and financial sanctions against Iraq and then authorized naval forces in the Persian Gulf to use force to prevent any violations.

In September, President Bush addressed a joint session of Congress and stated the U.S. could not allow Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to seize control of vital oil resources in the Middle East. Bush then doubled the size of Allied forces to 430,000 soldiers.

On November 29, the U.N. Security Council authorized member nations to use "all necessary means" to expel Iraqi troops from Kuwait if they did not withdraw by a deadline of January 15, 1991. President Bush then ordered more troops to the Gulf to pressure Saddam Hussein into evacuating Kuwait.

On January 9, 1991, Secretary of State James Baker met with Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz in Geneva for several hours in a last ditch effort to avoid war, but the meeting ended in an impasse with Baker finally announcing the talks had failed. Three days later, the House of Representatives voted 250-183 and the U.S. Senate voted 52-47 to authorized President Bush to use military force.

The January 15 deadline passed while 545,000 Iraqi troops in and around Kuwait did not budge. There were now 539,000 American troops in the Gulf along with 270,000 Allied troops from more than two dozen nations, the largest deployment of land troops and air power since World War II.

On January 17, at 2:45 a.m. Baghdad time (6:45 p.m., January 16 - Eastern) Desert Shield became Desert Storm as U.S. and Allied jets conducted a major raid against Iraqi air defenses, communications systems, chemical weapons facilities, tanks and artillery. The raid on Baghdad was broadcast live to a global audience by CNN correspondents perched on a rooftop.

This is the television speech President Bush gave shortly after the attack commenced:

- - - -

Just 2 hours ago, allied air forces began an attack on military targets in Iraq and Kuwait. These attacks continue as I speak. Ground forces are not engaged.

This conflict started August 2nd when the dictator of Iraq invaded a small and helpless neighbor. Kuwait -- a member of the Arab League and a member of the United Nations -- was crushed; its people, brutalized. Five months ago, Saddam Hussein started this cruel war against Kuwait. Tonight, the battle has been joined.

This military action, taken in accord with United Nations resolutions and with the consent of the United States Congress, follows months of constant and virtually endless diplomatic activity on the part of the United Nations, the United States, and many, many other countries. Arab leaders sought what became known as an Arab solution, only to conclude that Saddam Hussein was unwilling to leave Kuwait. Others traveled to Baghdad in a variety of efforts to restore peace and justice. Our Secretary of State, James Baker, held an historic meeting in Geneva, only to be totally rebuffed. This past weekend, in a last-ditch effort, the Secretary-General of the United Nations went to the Middle East with peace in his heart -- his second such mission. And he came back from Baghdad with no progress at all in getting Saddam Hussein to withdraw from Kuwait.

Now the 28 countries with forces in the Gulf area have exhausted all reasonable efforts to reach a peaceful resolution -- have no choice but to drive Saddam from Kuwait by force. We will not fail.

As I report to you, air attacks are underway against military targets in Iraq. We are determined to knock out Saddam Hussein's nuclear bomb potential. We will also destroy his chemical weapons facilities. Much of Saddam's artillery and tanks will be destroyed. Our operations are designed to best protect the lives of all the coalition forces by targeting Saddam's vast military arsenal. Initial reports from General Schwarzkopf are that our operations are proceeding according to plan.

Our objectives are clear: Saddam Hussein's forces will leave Kuwait. The legitimate government of Kuwait will be restored to its rightful place, and Kuwait will once again be free. Iraq will eventually comply with all relevant United Nations resolutions, and then, when peace is restored, it is our hope that Iraq will live as a peaceful and cooperative member of the family of nations, thus enhancing the security and stability of the Gulf.

Some may ask: Why act now? Why not wait? The answer is clear: The world could wait no longer. Sanctions, though having some effect, showed no signs of accomplishing their objective. Sanctions were tried for well over 5 months, and we and our allies concluded that sanctions alone would not force Saddam from Kuwait.

While the world waited, Saddam Hussein systematically raped, pillaged, and plundered a tiny nation, no threat to his own. He subjected the people of Kuwait to unspeakable atrocities -- and among those maimed and murdered, innocent children.

While the world waited, Saddam sought to add to the chemical weapons arsenal he now possesses, an infinitely more dangerous weapon of mass destruction -- a nuclear weapon. And while the world waited, while the world talked peace and withdrawal, Saddam Hussein dug in and moved massive forces into Kuwait.

While the world waited, while Saddam stalled, more damage was being done to the fragile economies of the Third World, emerging democracies of Eastern Europe, to the entire world, including to our own economy.

The United States, together with the United Nations, exhausted every means at our disposal to bring this crisis to a peaceful end. However, Saddam clearly felt that by stalling and threatening and defying the United Nations, he could weaken the forces arrayed against him.

While the world waited, Saddam Hussein met every overture of peace with open contempt. While the world prayed for peace, Saddam prepared for war.

I had hoped that when the United States Congress, in historic debate, took its resolute action, Saddam would realize he could not prevail and would move out of Kuwait in accord with the United Nation resolutions. He did not do that. Instead, he remained intransigent, certain that time was on his side.

Saddam was warned over and over again to comply with the will of the United Nations: Leave Kuwait, or be driven out. Saddam has arrogantly rejected all warnings. Instead, he tried to make this a dispute between Iraq and the United States of America.

Well, he failed. Tonight, 28 nations -- countries from 5 continents, Europe and Asia, Africa, and the Arab League -- have forces in the Gulf area standing shoulder to shoulder against Saddam Hussein. These countries had hoped the use of force could be avoided. Regrettably, we now believe that only force will make him leave.

Prior to ordering our forces into battle, I instructed our military commanders to take every necessary step to prevail as quickly as possible, and with the greatest degree of protection possible for American and allied service men and women. I've told the American people before that this will not be another Vietnam, and I repeat this here tonight. Our troops will have the best possible support in the entire world, and they will not be asked to fight with one hand tied behind their back. I'm hopeful that this fighting will not go on for long and that casualties will be held to an absolute minimum.

This is an historic moment. We have in this past year made great progress in ending the long era of conflict and cold war. We have before us the opportunity to forge for ourselves and for future generations a new world order -- a world where the rule of law, not the law of the jungle, governs the conduct of nations. When we are successful -- and we will be -- we have a real chance at this new world order, an order in which a credible United Nations can use its peacekeeping role to fulfill the promise and vision of the U.N.'s founders.

We have no argument with the people of Iraq. Indeed, for the innocents caught in this conflict, I pray for their safety. Our goal is not the conquest of Iraq. It is the liberation of Kuwait. It is my hope that somehow the Iraqi people can, even now, convince their dictator that he must lay down his arms, leave Kuwait, and let Iraq itself rejoin the family of peace-loving nations.

Thomas Paine wrote many years ago: "These are the times that try men's souls.'' Those well-known words are so very true today. But even as planes of the multinational forces attack Iraq, I prefer to think of peace, not war. I am convinced not only that we will prevail but that out of the horror of combat will come the recognition that no nation can stand against a world united, no nation will be permitted to brutally assault its neighbor.

No President can easily commit our sons and daughters to war. They are the Nation's finest. Ours is an all-volunteer force, magnificently trained, highly motivated. The troops know why they're there. And listen to what they say, for they've said it better than any President or Prime Minister ever could.

Listen to Hollywood Huddleston, Marine lance corporal. He says, "Let's free these people, so we can go home and be free again.'' And he's right. The terrible crimes and tortures committed by Saddam's henchmen against the innocent people of Kuwait are an affront to mankind and a challenge to the freedom of all.

Listen to one of our great officers out there, Marine Lieutenant General Walter Boomer. He said: "There are things worth fighting for. A world in which brutality and lawlessness are allowed to go unchecked isn't the kind of world we're going to want to live in.''

Listen to Master Sergeant J.P. Kendall of the 82nd Airborne: "We're here for more than just the price of a gallon of gas. What we're doing is going to chart the future of the world for the next 100 years. It's better to deal with this guy now than 5 years from now.''

And finally, we should all sit up and listen to Jackie Jones, an Army lieutenant, when she says, "If we let him get away with this, who knows what's going to be next?''

I have called upon Hollywood and Walter and J.P. and Jackie and all their courageous comrades-in-arms to do what must be done. Tonight, America and the world are deeply grateful to them and to their families. And let me say to everyone listening or watching tonight: When the troops we've sent in finish their work, I am determined to bring them home as soon as possible.

Tonight, as our forces fight, they and their families are in our prayers. May God bless each and every one of them, and the coalition forces at our side in the Gulf, and may He continue to bless our nation, the United States of America.

George Bush - January 16, 1991

All is fair in love and war - and when it comes to making money

2006-08-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

As luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

It pays to know multiple languages

2006-08-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

Jerry's cousin is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat, but he's afraid that Tom's cousin might be lying in wait outside.

So he puts his ear by the opening and all he hears is "Bow Wow". "Aha" says he, "there can't be a cat out there because there's a big old dog nearby". So he goes out of his mouse hole and is promptly caught and eaten by the cat.

The cat licks his lips and says "It's good to be bilingual!"

Where there is a will, there is a way

2006-08-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises.... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area? The chief made the same noises... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."

Technology Terminologies from a different view!

2006-08-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

DOS : Defunct Operating System

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

ISDN: I Simply Don't Know

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

SCSI: System Can't See It

Medically speaking..

2006-08-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles - it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me .... you also had smallcox!"

Long Story Short..

2006-08-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

A missionary visits a community of non-English speakers, but is delighted to find one person who offers to serve as the translator.

To make the best of the opportunity, he gives a long sermon and tells many anecdotes. Then the interpreter stands up, speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously.

The missionary is puzzled - and impressed!. How was it possible to translate a sermon of half an hour in just four words? What kind of amazing language was this?

And so he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don't know what you said, but how could you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"

The interpreter says, "Story too long, so I say, 'He says joke -- laugh!'"

Zimbly Zimbul

2006-08-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

"Please take your seat" said the interviewer. So, he lifted the chair!

"You must check your sugar level everyday" advised the doctor. So, she personally inspected the sugar jar in the kitchen everyday after that!

A candidate was filling an application form when he came across the field marked "Sex". After musing for a while, he wrote: "Thrice a week!"

Quotations on Friendship

2006-08-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends. - Aristotle

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. - Arthur Brisbane

It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the mechanisms of friendship. - Colette

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends. - Czech Proverb

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. - Dale Carnegie

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. - Elbert Hubbard

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. - George Washington

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb

In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends. - John Churton Collins

If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back. - Lois McMaster Bujold

Love Letter by a 'Marketing' Lover

2006-08-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

My Dear FAIR & LOVELY (EK TUKUDA CHAND KA),

You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and also my AIWA (PURE PASSION).

I always BPL (Believe in best) and you are SANSUI (Better than best).

You are MC DOWEL'S (Mera number one) love LA OPALA (Made for one).

I believe in FRESHIYA (Gorapan se jyada khoobsurti ka wada) and you are one of the most Beautiful in this world.

I think of you day and night when you give me one and only Smile. You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile per day) for me.

This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I would like you should be my life partner. I think you are worried about your Father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The unshakeble) and also think of my Father who is CEAT (Born tough) but don't worry I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The coolest ones).

If they will say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Lets make things better).

They will feel MIRINDA (Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho Jaye Coca Cola enjoy).

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) those who love each other.

And we are Wills (Made for each Other).

After some time, our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITAL (Invited by all).

We will be HERO HONDA (Leading the way) of our love life.

Then our life will BOLERO (Break free).

Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) to the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (The real test of life), SATYAM ON LINE (Fun fast easy), PARX (always comfortable) and also AMUL (The real taste of India).

For me, HOME TRADE (Life means more).

So never forget me. Ok bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Ye dil mange More).

(Sorry to those who don't understand the Hindi in-betweens, but that is exactly the Angrezi of this blog)

Gifts for Mother

2006-08-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Speech (or tirade?) by Dr. Abdul Kalam, President of India

2006-08-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

[Quote]

Friends,

I have three visions for India. In 3000 years of our history people from all over the world have come and invaded us, captured our lands, conquered our minds. From Alexander onwards. The Greeks, the Turks, the Moguls, the Portuguese, the British, the French, the Dutch, all of them came and looted us, took over what was ours. Yet we have not done this to any other nation. We have not conquered anyone. We have not grabbed their land, their culture, and their history and tried to enforce our way of life on them.

Why? Because we respect the freedom of others.

That is why my first vision is that of FREEDOM. I believe that India got its first vision of this in 1857, when we started the war of independence. It is this freedom that we must protect and nurture and build on. If we are not free, no one will respect us.

My second vision for India is DEVELOPMENT. For fifty years we have been a developing nation. It is time we see ourselves as a developed nation. We are among top 5 nations of the world in terms of GDP. We have 10 percent growth rate in most areas. Our poverty levels are falling. Our achievements are being globally recognized today. Yet we lack the self-confidence to see ourselves as a developed nation, self-reliant and self-assured. Isn't this incorrect?

I have a THIRD vision. India must stand up to the world. Because I believe that unless India stands up to the world, no one will respect us. Only strength respects strength. We must be strong not only as a military power but also as an economic power. Both must go hand-in-hand. My good fortune was to have worked with three great minds. Dr.Vikram Sarabhai of the Dept. of space, Professor Satish Dhawan, who succeeded him and Dr. Brahm Prakash, father of nuclear material. I was lucky to have worked with all three of them closely and consider this the great opportunity of my life. I see four milestones in my career:

ONE: Twenty years I spent in ISRO. I was given the opportunity to be the project director for India's first satellite launch vehicle, SLV3. The one that launched Rohini. These years played a very important role in my life of Scientist.

TWO: After my ISRO years, I joined DRDO and got a chance to be the part of India's guided missile program. It was my second bliss when Agni met its mission requirements in 1994.

THREE: The Dept. of Atomic Energy and DRDO had this tremendous partnership in the recent nuclear tests, on May 11 and 13. This was the third bliss. The joy of participating with my team in these nuclear tests and proving to the world that India can make it, that we are no longer a developing nation but one of them. It made me feel very proud as an Indian. The fact that we have now developed for Agni a re-entry structure, for which we have developed this new material. A Very light material called carbon-carbon.

FOUR: One day an orthopaedic surgeon from Nizam Institute of Medical Sciences visited my laboratory. He lifted the material and found it so light that he took me to his hospital and showed me his patients. There were these little girls and boys with heavy metallic calipers weighing over three Kg. each, dragging their feet around. He said to me: Please remove the pain of my patients. In three weeks, we made these Floor reaction Orthosis 300 gram callipers and took them to the orthopaedic centre. The children didn't believe their eyes. From dragging around a three kg. load on their legs, they could now move around! Their parents had tears in their eyes. That was my fourth bliss!

Why is the media here so negative? Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our achievements? We are such a great nation. We have so many amazing success stories but we refuse to acknowledge them.

Why?

We are the first in milk production. We are number one in Remote sensing satellites. We are the second largest producer of wheat. We are the second largest producer of rice. Look at Dr.Sudarshan; he has transformed the tribal village into a self-sustaining, self-driving unit. There are millions of such achievements but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters. I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert land into an orchid and a granary. It was this inspiring picture that everyone woke up to. The gory details of killings, bombardments, deaths, were inside in the newspaper, buried among other news.

In India we only read about death, sickness, terrorism, crime. Why are we so NEGATIVE?

Another question: Why are we, as a nation so obsessed with foreign things? We want foreign TVs. We want foreign shirts. We want foreign technology. Why this obsession with everything imported. Do we not realize that self-respect comes with self-reliance?

I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 years old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her what her goal in life is: She replied: I want to live in a developed India. For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. You must proclaim. India is not an under-developed nation; It is a highly developed nation.

Do you have 10 minutes?

Allow me to come back with vengeance. Got 10 minutes for your country? If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.

YOU say that our government is inefficient. YOU say that our laws are too old. YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage. YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke, the airline is the worst in the world, and mails never reach their destination. YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits. YOU say, say and say. What do YOU DO about it?

Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a name - YOURS. Give him a face - YOURS. YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your International best. In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores. YOU are as proud of their Underground Links as they are. You pay $5 (approx. Rs.60) to drive through Orchard Road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM. YOU come back to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over stayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status identity. In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU? YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramadan, in Dubai. YOU would not dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah. YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds (Rs.650) a month to, "see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else." YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 kmph)in Washington and then tell the traffic cop, "Jaanta hai sala main kaun hoon? (Do you know who I am?). I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost." YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia and New Zealand. Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo? Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston? We are still talking of the same YOU.

YOU who can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You who will throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground. You can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country why cannot you be the same here in India.

Once in an interview, the famous ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay Mr.Tinaikar had a point to make. "Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place," he said. "And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels? In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job. Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?" He's right. We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative. We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place or are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms. We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity. This applies even to the staff who is known not to pass on the service to the public. When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child and others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home. Our excuse? "It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my sons' rights to a dowry." So who's going to change the system?

What does a system consist of? Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbors, other households, other cities, other communities and the government. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr. Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand. Or we leave the country and run away.

Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system. When New York becomes insecure we run to England. When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf. When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is mortgaged to money. Dear Indians, The article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too.... I am echoing J. F. Kennedy's words to his fellow Americans to relate to Indians.

"ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIA WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY"

[Unquote]

Great Truths About Growing Old

2006-08-16T01:48:00.000-07:00

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4) Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
5) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
6) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
10) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
11) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
12) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Great Truths About Life - as seen by adults

2006-08-16T01:45:00.000-07:00

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
3) Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
6) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Great Advice for Girls

2006-08-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he is in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that he is too old for it.
4. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
5. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

The Incredible 20$

2006-08-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

1) Fold a $20 bill in half…

2) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below

3) Fold the other end, exactly as before. Et voilà, the PENTAGON on fire!!

4) Now, simply turn it over… Watch the Twin Towers ablaze….

What a coincidience! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!

Coincidence? YOU Decide!

As if that wasn’t enough… here is what you’ve seen…

Firstly The Pentagon on fire…

Then The Twin Towers…

… and now… look at this!

Triple coincidence on a simple $20 bill!

Mia Culpa

2006-08-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

Is this true or is it the graphics expert at work again?

2006-08-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

No worries! Just follow the sign boards.

2006-08-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

What is fastest?

2006-08-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

The H.R Manager was having trouble trying to select one employee from among the equally qualified four applicants. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine his choice.

The day came and the four sat around the conference table. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

"A thought”, the first replied. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

”A blink!” came the response from the second applicant. It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know."

The third thought even harder. “A light” he confirmed. “Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with all the three answers and thought he had found his man.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

“Diarrhea” came the swift and confident reply.

"What?" shouted the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were having a hard time controlling their laughter.

“Well, let me explain sir”, said the creative thinker. “After hearing the previous three answers, it is obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea. You see, sir, the other day my tummy was feeling very bad and I ran fast to the loo. But before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had already shat in my pants”.

He got the job....

Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view!

2006-08-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[Note: This appeared in the SPY Magazine (January, 1990)]

Prayer Before Meals

2006-08-14T03:09:00.000-07:00

A missionary was walking in Africa when he suddenly heard the roar of a lion behind him. "Good God," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me be a good Christian lion." His prayers answered, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," the lion prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive...."

About Vegetarians

2006-08-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?
Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Seen on a bumper sticker: I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

If it is true that it is a dog-eat-dog world out there, how do vegetarians survive?

Seal Marks and Calligraphy

2006-08-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Though this blog is dedicated to the beauty of, and humour in, English, I could not help drawing my readers' attention to this page which touches upon my favourite topic: Chinese Porcelain

Seal Marks and Calligraphy

Is there a certain way to get rich?

2006-08-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

"The ownership of money and property comes as a result of doing things in a certain way. Those who do things in this certain way, whether on purpose or accidentally, get rich. Those who do not do things in this certain way, no matter how hard they work or how able they are, remain poor.

"It is a natural law that like causes always produce like effects. Therefore, any man or woman who learns to do things in this certain way will infallibly get rich."

Wallace D. Wattles,
The Science of Getting Rich, Chapter 2

If you would like to know more on the above matter, visit http://www.science of getting rich.net

Communicating in the advertising lingo

2006-08-12T02:18:00.000-07:00

What's in a name?

2006-08-12T01:09:00.000-07:00

I came across this really funny entry on "IMMIGRANTS' NAMES ARE OFTEN MANGLED". I am sure most of us can relate to some similar personal experiences - whether having our own names mis-pronounced or we ourselves having trouble pronouncing others' names.

Read on:

At times, I wonder why my parents named me Melvin. As East Indians, they had thousands of great names to choose from, names that would reflect our heritage and culture, names that would make most Americans stammer.

They picked two syllables when they could have easily picked 15. They picked Melvin instead of something like Melvinathamanayagam. They picked a name that would actually fit on a driver's license.

In their infinite wisdom, they gave me a name that's both English and old-fashioned. The only Melvins I've ever met are in their 80s and, if they think really hard, can still remember the days when politicians were honest.

Melvin is in the same category as Horace, Myron and Elmer. You'll never hear those names on "Beverly Hills 90210." Unless the characters are studying history.

But every now and then, I'm thankful my parents gave me a first name that's easy to spell and pronounce. People have enough trouble with my last name, Durai (pronounced Do-rye). Some pronounce it Durea, as though it rhymes with urea. Others think it's French and spell it Du Ray. And a few think it reflects my humor and spell it Dry.

Of course, I shouldn't complain. Many immigrants have it worse. They have names like Kadambavanam, Constantinopolous and Majchrzak. Every time someone says their names, it's a new pronunciation. Their names have been destroyed so many times, they ought to qualify for federal aid.

Many of these people like having names that honor their heritage. But they feel pressured to adopt shorter Americanized names. A first name like Jayakumar easily becomes Jay, Suchitra becomes Sue, and Dudekanandi becomes ... uh ... Dude.

One banker I know was told to Americanize his name or lose a chance for a promotion. He did. I'm sure his shorter name fits easily on that bigger paycheck.

Years ago, my late father changed the pronunciation of our last name. It used to be pronounced Dthoray, but Dad decided to give people a break. He was a kind man.

I have a friend from Zambia whose last name is Kwamanakweenda. His son was born in America, but -- unless he shortens his name -- he has no chance of ever being elected president. Americans would never go for President Kwamanakweenda. All the headline writers would go on strike. They'd run out of space just writing his name. They'd never be able to write: "Kwamanakweenda Admits Relationship With Intern."

Of course, it would be terrible to overlook a great leader just because of his name. And it's terrible to overlook a good worker just because of his name. Not everyone can be named Smith, Jones or Lewinsky.

Many African-Americans are giving their children African names, celebrating their roots. Some people may have trouble with those names, but at least the children will grow up knowing their heritage.

In a multicultural society like ours, perhaps more Americans should take the time to learn people's full names -- not just the first syllable. Perhaps we need professional coaches to teach people how to pronounce ethnic names: "OK, folks. Relax and don't panic. Just take it one syllable at a time. And don't forget to take a deep breath -- you won't get another for a long time."

Source: Courtesy http://www.melvindurai.com/names.htm

Pronounciation Humor

2006-08-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

A group of CZECHS was waiting in a long line in the Immigration Office to be admitted to the United States. The line was not moving at all. One of them, who spoke best English, decided to go up-front and find out what was going on. He returns after a while and with the devastated look on his face says. "Guys, we won't make it." "What happened?" asks the rest. "Well, they have a big sign on the wall saying: 'We don't accept CHECKS!' "

Misspellings in the U.S. Constitution

2006-08-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

The Constitution was written in 1787 in the manner of the day - in other words, it was written by hand. According to the National Archives, the version we are most familiar with today was penned by Jacob Shallus, a clerk for the Pennsylvania State Assembly. In the document itself are several words which are misspelled. Far from the days of spell checkers and easy edits, these misspellings survive in the document today.

Only one, though, is a glaringly obvious mistake. In the list of signatories, the word "Pennsylvania" is spelled with a single N: "Pensylvania."

Another mistake, though less obvious, is a common one even today: the word "it's" is used in Article 1, Section 10, but the word "its" should have been used.

The most common mistake, at least to modern eyes, is the word "choose," spelled "chuse" several times. This is less a mistake than it is an alternate spelling used at the time. The word is found in the Constitution as both "chuse" and "chusing."

Finally, at that time, the American spelling of words was inconsistent at best, and several words are spelled in the British manner. These words are "defence," "controul," and "labour." In America, we would today write these words as "defense," "control," and "labor."

Most of the misspellings are in the original document, which was written hastily after the Convention concluded. Aside from one use of British spelling in the Bill of Rights, the amendments are all error-free. The authors of the latter amendments all had the benefit of time to better proofread their work, and the benefit of a standardized American dictionary.

Source: Courtesy http://www.usconstitution.net/constmiss.html

Oh baby!

2006-08-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.

If one night a big fat man jumps in at your window, grabs you and puts you in a sack, don't worry, because I told Santa I want you for Christmas.

Do your feet never hurt??? You were wandering around in my thoughts all day long.

If I could rewrite the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Professional Diagnosis

2006-08-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Paint & Thinner

2006-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

There was this pastor of a little old church out in the countryside who once noticed that his church needed painting. He went into town, bought a gallon of white paint and set out to paint the church himself.

He got done with the first side when he noticed that he had already used a half gallon. Being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained; it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped out to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

"Iron Curtain" speech by Winston Churchill - (1946)

2006-08-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

The United States stands at this time at the pinnacle of world power. It is a solemn moment for the American democracy. For with this primacy in power is also joined an awe-inspiring accountability to the future. As you look around you, you must feel not only the sense of duty done, but also you must feel anxiety lest you fall below the level of achievement. Opportunity is here now, clear and shining, for both our countries. To reject it or ignore it or fritter it away will bring upon us all the long reproaches of the aftertime.

It is necessary that constancy of mind, persistency of purpose, and the grand simplicity of decision shall rule and guide the conduct of the English-speaking peoples in peace as they did in war. We must, and I believe we shall, prove ourselves equal to this severe requirement.

I have a strong admiration and regard for the valiant Russian people and for my wartime comrade, Marshal Stalin. There is deep sympathy and goodwill in Britain -- and I doubt not here also -- toward the peoples of all the Russias and a resolve to persevere through many differences and rebuffs in establishing lasting friendships.

It is my duty, however, to place before you certain facts about the present position in Europe.

From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient states of Central and Eastern Europe.

Warsaw, Berlin, Prague, Vienna, Budapest, Belgrade, Bucharest and Sofia; all these famous cities and the populations around them lie in what I must call the Soviet sphere, and all are subject, in one form or another, not only to Soviet influence but to a very high and in some cases increasing measure of control from Moscow.

The safety of the world, ladies and gentlemen, requires a unity in Europe, from which no nation should be permanently outcast. It is from the quarrels of the strong parent races in Europe that the world wars we have witnessed, or which occurred in former times, have sprung.

Twice the United States has had to send several millions of its young men across the Atlantic to fight the wars. But now we all can find any nation, wherever it may dwell, between dusk and dawn. Surely we should work with conscious purpose for a grand pacification of Europe within the structure of the United Nations and in accordance with our Charter.

In a great number of countries, far from the Russian frontiers and throughout the world, Communist fifth columns are established and work in complete unity and absolute obedience to the directions they receive from the Communist center. Except in the British Commonwealth and in the United States where Communism is in its infancy, the Communist parties or fifth columns constitute a growing challenge and peril to Christian civilization.

The outlook is also anxious in the Far East and especially in Manchuria. The agreement which was made at Yalta, to which I was a party, was extremely favorable to Soviet Russia, but it was made at a time when no one could say that the German war might not extend all through the summer and autumn of 1945 and when the Japanese war was expected by the best judges to last for a further eighteen months from the end of the German war.

I repulse the idea that a new war is inevitable -- still more that it is imminent. It is because I am sure that our fortunes are still in our own hands and that we hold the power to save the future, that I feel the duty to speak out now that I have the occasion and the opportunity to do so.

I do not believe that Soviet Russia desires war. What they desire is the fruits of war and the indefinite expansion of their power and doctrines.

But what we have to consider here today while time remains, is the permanent prevention of war and the establishment of conditions of freedom and democracy as rapidly as possible in all countries. Our difficulties and dangers will not be removed by closing our eyes to them. They will not be removed by mere waiting to see what happens; nor will they be removed by a policy of appeasement.

What is needed is a settlement, and the longer this is delayed, the more difficult it will be and the greater our dangers will become.

From what I have seen of our Russian friends and allies during the war, I am convinced that there is nothing they admire so much as strength, and there is nothing for which they have less respect than for weakness, especially military weakness.

For that reason the old doctrine of a balance of power is unsound. We cannot afford, if we can help it, to work on narrow margins, offering temptations to a trial of strength.

Last time I saw it all coming and I cried aloud to my own fellow countrymen and to the world, but no one paid any attention. Up till the year 1933 or even 1935, Germany might have been saved from the awful fate which has overtaken her and we might all have been spared the miseries Hitler let loose upon mankind.

There never was a war in history easier to prevent by timely action than the one which has just desolated such great areas of the globe. It could have been prevented, in my belief, without the firing of a single shot, and Germany might be powerful, prosperous and honored today; but no one would listen and one by one we were all sucked into the awful whirlpool.

We must not let it happen again. This can only be achieved by reaching now, in 1946, a good understanding on all points with Russia under the general authority of the United Nations Organization and by the maintenance of that good understanding through many peaceful years, by the whole strength of the English-speaking world and all its connections.

If the population of the English-speaking Commonwealth be added to that of the United States, with all that such cooperation implies in the air, on the sea, all over the globe, and in science and in industry, and in moral force, there will be no quivering, precarious balance of power to offer its temptation to ambition or adventure. On the contrary there will be an overwhelming assurance of security.

If we adhere faithfully to the Charter of the United Nations and walk forward in sedate and sober strength, seeking no one's land or treasure, seeking to lay no arbitrary control upon the thoughts of men, if all British moral and material forces and convictions are joined with your own in fraternal association, the high roads of the future will be clear, not only for us but for all, not only for our time but for a century to come.

Winston Churchill - March 5, 1946

Quotations on Love

2006-08-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command. - Alan Watts

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others. - Anne-Sophie Swetchine

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. - Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904)

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. - Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves. - Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. - Erica Jong

There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Murdoch (1919 - 1999)

When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love. - J. K. Rowling

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love. - Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)

The paomnnehal pweor of the hmuan mnid

2006-08-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by sitlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Quotations on Success

2006-08-09T02:35:00.000-07:00

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind.
Albert Szent-Gyorgyi (1893 - 1986)

It is possible to fail in many ways...while to succeed is possible only in one way.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby (1937 - )

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan (1941 - )

The man of virtue makes the difficulty to be overcome his first business, and success only a subsequent consideration.
Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC)

Success in business requires training and discipline and hard work. But if you're not frightened by these things, the opportunities are just as great today as they ever were.
David Rockefeller (1915 - )

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.
Dr. David M. Burns

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Quotations on Happiness

2006-08-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809 - 1892)

Happiness depends upon ourselves.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.
Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand.
Baruch Spinoza (1632 - 1677)

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.
Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

The Correct Punctuation

2006-08-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The Longest .com Domain Name

2006-08-08T03:07:00.000-07:00

I am the proud owner of the longest longest longest domain name in this world is the longest .com domain name. (type the URL without spaces) The web page states, "This record cannot be broken with a .com domain, because 63 letters is the maximum number of letters that can be registered as a domain name.

The Longest English Word

2006-08-08T03:02:00.000-07:00

PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS (45 letters; a lung disease caused by breathing in certain particles) is the longest word in any English-language dictionary.

On Feb. 23, 1935, the New York Herald-Tribune reported: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis succeeded electrophotomicrographically as the longest word in the English language recognized by the National Puzzlers' League at the opening session of the organization's 103d semi-annual meeting held yesterday at the Hotel New Yorker. The puzzlers explained that the forty-five-letter word is the name of a special form of silicosis caused by ultra-microscopic particles of siliceous volcanic dust.

The word appears in the 1936 Supplement to OED1, the OED2, the addendum to W2 (spelled -koniosis), W3 (spelled -coniosis), RHUD2, and Chambers.

OED2: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (-koniosis), a factitious word alleged to mean 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust' but occurring chiefly as an instance of a very long word.

1936 F. Scully Bedside Manna 87 *Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanakoniosis [sic], a disease caused by ultra-microscopic particles of sandy volcanic dust, might give even him laryngitis.

1966 Word Study Oct. 7/2 The resources of Greek have enriched the modern world as well as the ancient one. Perhaps this is most dramatically illustrated by the longest and most fantastic word now in an English dictionary (the Merriam-Webster's great Unabridged) which is forty-five letters in length: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,..meaning 'a disease of the lungs caused by extremely small particles of ash and dust'.

1973 R. Megarry Second Miscellany-at-Law 160 It has been said that 'floccinaucinihilipilification' is the longest word in the English language... The word's proud title must yield to some technical terms, such as pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.

The following appeared in a post in alt.usage.english:
I conjecture that this "word" was coined by word puzzlers, who then worked assiduously to get it into the major unabridged dictionaries (perhaps with a wink from the editors?) to put an end to the endless squabbling about what is the longest word.

[Note: To be exact, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is the longest vocabulary entry in any English-language dictionary. Stuart Kidd points out that a longer word actually appears in the OED2, although only as part of a quoted citation for a different word. It is a 75-letter chemical name with numerous hyphens. Several other citations in the OED2 include multiple words that are "run together" with or without hyphens, forming "words" of more than 45 letters.]

Matrimonial ads say it all

2006-08-08T02:51:00.000-07:00

Doctor :
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins..... be it Anacin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

Lawyer:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence if you have the confidence.

Banker:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

Farewell by Napolean Bonaparte - 1814

2006-08-07T02:02:00.000-07:00

Soldiers of my Old Guard: I bid you farewell. For twenty years I have constantly accompanied you on the road to honor and glory. In these latter times, as in the days of our prosperity, you have invariably been models of courage and fidelity. With men such as you our cause could not be lost; but the war would have been interminable; it would have been civil war, and that would have entailed deeper misfortunes on France.

I have sacrificed all of my interests to those of the country.

I go, but you, my friends, will continue to serve France. Her happiness was my only thought. It will still be the object of my wishes. Do not regret my fate; if I have consented to survive, it is to serve your glory. I intend to write the history of the great achievements we have performed together. Adieu, my friends. Would I could press you all to my heart.

Napoleon Bonaparte - April 20, 1814

Susan B. Anthony's Speech of 1873 on Women's Right to Vote

2006-07-30T02:26:00.000-07:00

In the 1800s, women in the United States had few legal rights and did not have the right to vote. This speech was given by Susan B. Anthony after her arrest for casting an illegal vote in the presidential election of 1872. She was tried and then fined $100 but refused to pay.

"Friends and fellow citizens: I stand before you tonight under indictment for the alleged crime of having voted at the last presidential election, without having a lawful right to vote. It shall be my work this evening to prove to you that in thus voting, I not only committed no crime, but, instead, simply exercised my citizen's rights, guaranteed to me and all United States citizens by the National Constitution, beyond the power of any state to deny.

The preamble of the Federal Constitution says:
'We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.'

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union. And we formed it, not to give the blessings of liberty, but to secure them; not to the half of ourselves and the half of our posterity, but to the whole people - women as well as men. And it is a downright mockery to talk to women of their enjoyment of the blessings of liberty while they are denied the use of the only means of securing them provided by this democratic-republican government - the ballot.

For any state to make sex a qualification that must ever result in the disfranchisement of one entire half of the people, is to pass a bill of attainder, or, an ex post facto law, and is therefore a violation of the supreme law of the land. By it the blessings of liberty are forever withheld from women and their female posterity.

To them this government has no just powers derived from the consent of the governed. To them this government is not a democracy. It is not a republic. It is an odious aristocracy; a hateful oligarchy of sex; the most hateful aristocracy ever established on the face of the globe; an oligarchy of wealth, where the rich govern the poor. An oligarchy of learning, where the educated govern the ignorant, or even an oligarchy of race, where the Saxon rules the African, might be endured; but this oligarchy of sex, which makes father, brothers, husband, sons, the oligarchs over the mother and sisters, the wife and daughters, of every household - which ordains all men sovereigns, all women subjects, carries dissension, discord, and rebellion into every home of the nation.

Webster, Worcester, and Bouvier all define a citizen to be a person in the United States, entitled to vote and hold office.

The only question left to be settled now is: Are women persons? And I hardly believe any of our opponents will have the hardihood to say they are not. Being persons, then, women are citizens; and no state has a right to make any law, or to enforce any old law, that shall abridge their privileges or immunities. Hence, every discrimination against women in the constitutions and laws of the several states is today null and void, precisely as is every one against Negroes."

---

Following her death in 1906 after five decades of tireless work, the Democratic and Republican parties both endorsed women's right to vote. In August of 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was finally ratified, allowing women to vote.

Misspellings

2006-07-29T02:11:00.000-07:00

Ain't it so common to mis-spell English words. Apart from the fact that UK & American English differ in spellings, people generously engage in misspellings even when it comes to common, day-to-day words.

I came across an interesting site that addresses this issue effectively.

The site reads:

[Quote]
100 MOST OFTEN (MISPELLED) MISSPELLED WORDS IN ENGLISH

Dr. Language has provided a one-stop cure for all your spelling ills. Here are the 100 words most often misspelled ('misspell' is one of them). Each word has a mnemonic pill with it and, if you swallow it, it will help you to remember how to spell the word. Master the orthography of the words on this page and reduce the time you spend searching dictionaries by 50%.
[Unquote]

Visit http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/misspelled.html if you would like to learn more on this subject.

Did I get you right?

2006-07-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

At a repair shop: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door; the bell does not work).

At a laundromat: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Interesting Quotes

2006-07-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive

Don't regret doing things, regret getting caught

Anger is one letter short of danger.

If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.

Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".

Word Pun

2006-07-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

Graveyard workers really dig their jobs.

Jackhammer operators like to break new ground.

What do you call a doctor who treats retired soldiers? A veteran-arian.

When one is afflicted with loss of balance they never quite know vertigo.

Pre-arranged marriages pre-pair people for the future.

People who get complimented on their hair usually let it go to their head.

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

The trumpeter blew it while auditioning for the symphony.

Hangmen always keep their customers in the loop.

The riot at Macy's was called a shopping maul.

Truths about growing old

2006-07-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.